I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
