Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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