I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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