OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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