ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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