3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
