Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
