I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
