New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
