There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
