The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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