I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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