I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
