I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
