Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
