His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
