So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
