Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
