Your dad touched me again.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
