Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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