please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
