textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
