Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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