i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
