Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
