my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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