Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
