were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
