really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
