haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The beer is more important than you right now.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
