Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
