I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
