in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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