You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
