when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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