Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
