does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
