u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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