My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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