my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
