Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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