You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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