Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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