did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
