Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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