When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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