I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
