census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
