the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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