Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
