Swine flu is the new snow day.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
