sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
