my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
