we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
