if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
